Q: When my boyfriend and also I moved in together last year, he only did it on the problem that I promise to be monogamous through him. At initially we argued around it because I’ve never before interpreted why he’s so hung up on being sexually exclusive with one guy.. For me, among the ideal things around being gay is that it’s simple to have actually no strings sex via numerous various hot males. I make a distinction between sex and love, but for him sex is just for somebody you’re in love through. Also, my sex drive is a lot higher than his. I ultimately did promise to be monogamous, bereason he wouldn’t have actually lived via me otherwise. But the truth is, I haven’t really been monogamous a single week that we’ve lived together. I obtain together consistently through a sex buddy I knew before I met him, and also I occasionally have actually sex in a booksave close to wright here I work-related. All I ever do is gain blow work, so it’s not like I’m putting either of us in risk of obtaining a serious disease. I’d never before perform anypoint to hurt him. I really do love him with all my heart and also desire to spfinish my life via him. I just don’t check out why I must restrict myself from having sex via various other males once it’s simply for fun and also doesn’t intend anything. I’m really careful and also I don’t think he’ll ever before discover out. I think that what he doesn’t recognize won’t hurt him. I’ll admit I carry out feel a little guilty for lying, but basically I don’t think I’m doing anypoint all that wrong. The way points are now I’m at leastern able to live with him without feeling choose I’m in a strait jacket. My question is, in situations choose this, is honesty constantly the ideal policy?
A: If you’re having this much sex exterior your connection, it’s hard to think your partner doesn’t suspect something, or that he’s never before going to number out what you’re doing. But let’s assume for a moment that your belief that he doesn’t know is correct, and also additionally assume that he’ll never discover out. The emotional question you seem to be asking is, does that intend you aren’t hurting him – or yourself? I believe that the concept that what he doesn’t recognize won’t hurt him is one of those popular rationalizations which is dangerously naïve.
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One factor is that when you lie to your boyfrifinish, you create an atmosphere of deceit in your relationship which is inevitably toxic and damaging in all kinds of subtle ways that you may never be able to determine. You’re always going to have to be a small on guard to make sure you save your stories directly and also cover your trail very closely. Do you think that has no effect on the quality of the intimacy between the two of you? Intimacy requires open-heartedness, and also it’s a tiny challenging to be on guard and open-hearted at the exact same time. When you habitually lie to your companion, your lies begin to create a barrier to the kind of deep intimacy that you want to have with him.
And you can only think that you aren’t doing harm to yourself if you also think that sacrificing your personal integrity for momentary obtain has no irreversible after-effects for you. Your guilt feelings are your ethical conscience speaking to you, and also eextremely time you violate your feeling of appropriate and wrong by consisting of stories around where you’ve been or where you’re going you are subtly undermining your own self-respect. In the short run, you may be having fun, however in the long run, what he doesn’t recognize is going to be exceptionally hurtful to both of you. I’ve watched many type of people thrive in monogamous relationships and also many type of human being prosper in open relationships, but I never see couples grow in dishonest relationships.
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I indicate a major course correction. If you uncover a monogamous commitment too confining, you’re hardly the lone ranger, and also you carry out deserve to live the type of sex-related life which is finest suited to you. But you carry out have actually an obligation to both of you to sit down with him and tell him. Maybe he can negotiate an open up setup via you, however if he can’t, then you might both need to accept that you have actually some standard distinctions and can’t live as partners via each other. I realize that this might be very painful and also disappointing for both of you, yet in the long run it will certainly be a lot much less hurtful than proceeding in a partnership defined by lies, broken guarantees, and betrayal. You’ll be more likely to deserve, and to have, his respect, and also to have actually even more self respect also, if you tell him the truth.