I read a great quote on Pinterest the other day, “What if 2015 is the year that changes everything?” After reading that quote, I thought of 2014. It wasn’t a great year for me. Truthfully it kind of kicked my butt. I absolutely don’t want a repeat. I thought of 2016 and what it could bring. Time is going to pass anyway. Do I still want to be in the same place? I will be in the same place if I don’t make changes. For so long I passively allowed life to pass me by. I sat on the sidelines because I was to overwhelmed, and I didn’t have the courage or tenacity to change. I allowed myself to keep gaining weight. I let myself waste time in relationships that were not right for me because I was to scared to start over. Instead of controlling my choices, I let my choices control me…or shall I say my lack of choices. I never consciously chose. I just let things happen. Now I’m making a choice. I choose to not live life passively. I choose not to let the whispers of my past mistakes fill my ears and paralyze me with fear of making the same mistakes.

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2015 will be the year that changes everything.

This year will be about doing things that challenge me. My comfort zone is a place I’ve been in for far to long. Which is why I’ve made a 2015 bucket list. Most of the things on the list I want to accomplish this year have significant meaning to me, but some items are just things that I want to do, now that I have the means to do it. Throughout the year, I’ll write a post about each item on the list. I intend to do everyone of them, so I’ll write a post when I complete each one. More likely I’ll write several posts on each item as I go about completing them. I know that this is going to be a very challenging year and it’s going to be so incredibly hard. There will probably be tears, tantrums and wails of despair, but I am determined to succeed. Change doesn’t come easy and without work. Ultimately, how I decide to live each day will decide how my year will end. Aside from this bucket list, I have a plan that starts with daily goals. I’m so excited to embark on this journey. I’m excited to change my life. I’m excited to finally take control. Without further ado (and in no particular order) here is my 2015 bucket list.

1) Try Krav Maga

2) Be in Bikini Shape by my Birthday (June 21)

3) Get My Real Estate License

4) Start Dating

5) Go on at least one nice vacation (goal is to take 2 trips this year: one exotic, and one stateside)

6) Buy new furniture for my Apartment (turn it into a place I’m actually proud to show off) and make it a comfortable sanctuary. I’m going to completely redecorate it.

7) Pick up Snowboarding again

8) Hike up to the top of High Rock. (High rock is a hiking trail here that is one straight vertical mile. I attempted it once four years ago with an ex boyfriend and didn’t make it to the top)

9) Go zip-lining

10) Visit a winery

11) Go on the Seattle Ferris Wheel

12) Go to Whistler

13) Register for a math class to complete my degree

14) Go to Leavenworth for Oktoberfest

15) Start a Blog (check!!)

16) Start building my personal savings

17) Go to a concert (I’ve never been to a concert!)

18) Work on my non existent social life…get out of the house more and make a concerted effort to make plans with friends and family. Be out and about in the world instead of hiding away at home.

There you go folks. Here is my grand list for 2015…okay most of the things aren’t that grand. But you have to start somewhere and this is where I’m starting for now. I’m picking up new hobbies, or restarting old ones (snowboarding). I’ll be forced out of my hermity ways! I spend way to much time at home,and working from home doesn’t help the matter (that will be a whole other post). I want to be out and about taking on the world. I’m not going to hide out at home anymore. It’s time to go after the life I want. For all of you who’s visited here and is also on the journey towards changing your life, lets raise a glass and make this our year.

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Why I’m Here

One particular night last week, I woke up several times with my heart racing and panic coursing through me. The same pattern of worry kept repeating inside of my head everytime I woke up. I was 32, broke, single. and overweight. I thought of all of my friends who were married, had kids, owned homes, fancy cars, careers and in general seemed so much more accomplished than me. It felt like everyone was moving on with thier lives, and I was left behind, on the shelf, forgotten. A total reject.

 It was never supposed to be like this.

Although I was the never the girl who always dreamed of having the perfect husband, house and kids, I had a vague notion that I would someday get married, and maybe have kids when the time was right. Instead what I dreamed about was having a rich life full of adventure. I wanted to travel the world, spend some time living in other countries. I dreamed of having an amazing career where I would be busy, productive…fulfilled. thought I’d take the world head on, confident, fearless, always ready for the next adventure.

That’s not what happened.

somewhere along the way I lost my vision. It was a combination of many things. In my early twenties, I took a lot of things for granted. I was young, skinny and received a lot of attention from guys. The Seattle/Bellevue metropolitan area has a great nightlife scene and I was going out almost every Friday and Saturday night. I didn’t spend excessively, but I didn’t save either. I had a good job and it never occurred to me that that job wouldn’t be there forever. Then the recession rolled around. I ended up jobless for an extended period of time. I became depressed. I gained weight. I started to hide from the world. The larger I got, the smaller my world became. Not having a job was a large part of it to. I didn’t have money to do anything. I turned down down invitations to happy hours, social events. I had to take into account not just how much dinner and drinks would cost, but how much gas would cost to get me there. Even something as simple as grabbing lunch with a friend was a strain. Sometimes, I’d accept the invitations, but I could never really enjoy myself because I was anxious over the fact that I was spending money I didn’t have. And I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed over the fact that I didn’t have a job and I had become so big. So I hid. I became this self-conscious, fearful person. I was scared of life, scared of failing. I can’t fail if I never tried right? And I just kept getting bigger and bigger. I have to clarify that it wasn’t this straight path down. There were peaks and Valleys. I gained weight, I lost weight, I gained it back. There were in between moments where I came out of my shell. I traveled, I was in a couple of serious relationships. But even in the peaks, I knew I wasn’t my genuine self. During my travels I was self conscious of my weight, I was miserable a lot of the time because I hated the way I looked. It prevented me from doing so many things! And in my relationships, it was hard not having a job and not being able to pay my own way. It was a big hit to my confidence. I felt less of a person, and to be honest, maybe I became a bit needy and demanding in a way that’s so not me because I had nothing else going on for myself. My relationship became my focal point of my life. I used it as a distraction…an escape from the dismal reality that I felt my life was. Ultimately I couldn’t be happy in the relationship because I wasn’t happy with myself. I was descending into a downward spiral.

I don’t want to be this way anymore.

See more: Mother With Child Gazing At Hand Mirror By Kitagawa Utamaro, Mother And Child Gazing At A Hand Mirror

Things have to change. Things will change. I will change. I am 32 years old and it is time to get my act together. It is time that I live up to my potential, and stop living life half-assed. I don’t even feel like I’m living. I’m just existing. I have great friends and a wonderful family who absolutely believes in me. They hate I’ve become this lesser version of myself. It’s time that I show to them their faith hasn’t been misplaced. No more hiding.